OKAY FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, FUCKNUTS, IS THAT I’M NOT SHIPPING. SHIPPING IS FOR EMBARASSING SOCIALLY INEPT KITTEN WRIGGLERS AND HORMONAL PREPUBESCENT EARTH FEMALES. I’M ANALYZING THE RELATIONSHIPS PRESENTED WITHIN A WORK OF FICTION AND POINTING OUT THE ONES THAT, BY ALL RIGHTS, SHOULD HAVE BEEN CANONIZED.

SECONDLY, NO, I’M NOT WRONG, I’M EVEN MORE RIGHT ABOUT HARRY POTTER THAN I WAS ABOUT LORD OF THE RINGS.

CHECK IT OUT, DUMMY.

FIRST OFF, HARRY AND LUNA ARE A PICTURESQUE MOIRALLEGIANCE. BECAUSE HARRY IS THE PRESIDENT OF HORRIBLE EMOTION-DRIVEN DECISIONS INCORPORATED, HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM REASONABLE AND TO STOP HIM FROM BEING THE INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE THAT HE SO OFTEN TENDS TO BE. LUNA’S PRESENCE, AS I’VE NOTED, KEEPS HIM CALM AND REASONABLE. HE MAKES MUCH LESS TERRIBLE CHOICES WHEN SHE’S AROUND.

HARRY IS ALSO CLEARLY SERVING AS AN AUSPISTICE BETWEEN RON AND HERMIONE FOR AT LEAST SOME PERIOD OF TIME, PARTICULARLY IN THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE. THAT’S NOT TO SAY HE’S NOT UNBELIEVABLY INCOMPETENT IN THE ASHEN QUADRANT BECAUSE, AGAIN, HE’S A HUGE DUMBASS AND I FUCKING HATE HIM AND RON. HERMIONE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE TWO. WHICH BRINGS US TO THE NEXT ROMANCE.

HERMIONE AND GINNY SHOULD HAVE ENDED UP HUMAN WITCH MARRIED. FUCK THE FEATURE FILMS. THEY COMPLETELY LEFT OUT THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THESE TWO. THEY WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO TRULY CARED FOR ONE ANOTHER AFTER THE HORRORS THEY BOTH ENDURED WHILE THEIR IDIOTIC EGOTISTICAL SELF ABSORBED POORLY-CHOSEN CANONICAL LOVE INTERESTS WALLOWED IN ANGST AND SELF-PITY AND MANPAIN. GINNY AND HERMIONE DESERVED EACH OTHER.

FUCK, OKAY, NEXT WE HAVE DUMBLEDORE’S ASHEN RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HARRY AND VOLDEMORT. DUMBLEDORE SUCKS FAT HOOFBEAST BULGE AT BEING A MENTOR BUT HIS AUSPISTICIZING TECHNIQUE WORKED LIKE A FUCKING CHARM NONETHELESS. HE KEPT REMINDING HARRY NOT TO GIVE INTO HIS HATE, AND HEY, HE DIDN’T, AND HE WAS ABLE TO FACE VOLDEMORT LIKE A MAN IN THE END AND DEFEAT HIM.

REMUS LUPIN AND SIRIUS BLACK ARE SO UNBEARABLY PALE FOR ONE ANOTHER THAT IT ALMOST PAINS ME. I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS ONE. I MEAN, MAKING A POTION TO KEEP HIS VOLATILE WEREWOLF NATURE UNDER WRAPS? LUPIN HOLDING SIRIUS BACK FROM KILLING PETTIGREW WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE? FUCKING. BEAUTIFUL.

AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN THE WHOLE SERIES:

THE TRAGIC FAILURE OF A KISMESIS BETWEEN DRACO MALFOY AND HARRY POTTER. FUCK, THIS ONE ALWAYS GETS ME. THEIR OBSESSION WITH ONE ANOTHER REALLY PEAKS IN THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE, AND THEY BOTH KICK ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY’RE DOWN AGAIN AND AGAIN. THE BLACK PASSION IS JUST. UNBELIEVABLE.

…karkat, i don’t understand. i mean, harry ends up with ginny, and ron ends up with hermione, and they get married and have babies! didn’t you read the epilogue?

FUCK THE EPILOGUE. FUCK IT WITH A RUSTED RAILROAD SPIKE, WHAT KIND OF AN ENDING FOR A STORY WAS THAT? “AND ALL WAS WELL?????” JOHN, I AM PERSONALLY OFFENDED BY YOUR UNQUESTIONING ACCEPTANCE OF THAT PILE OF GARBAGE. THERE’S NO WAY YOU WERE ENJOYING THE STORY TO ITS FULLEST IF YOU WERE SATISFIED WITH THAT BULLSHIT.

no offense, but you don’t seem like you’re enjoying it at all.

and besides, harry and draco don’t hate each other in the end. harry starts to seriously pity him a little in the last book, and he saves his life!

YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW THAT? THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO TRAGIC. THEY ABANDON THEIR BEAUTIFUL HATRED BECAUSE HUMAN LITERATURE HAS A RUNNING THEME OF KISMESIS-SHAMING AND-

DID YOU SAY PITY?

oh no.

karkat.

OKAY I THINK YOU JUST SHED SOME NEW LIGHT ON THIS.

THANKS JOHN.