boyfriendleaders:

cyparissus:

boyfriendleaders:

oh no, no, please.  please, i’ve heard this so many times already-

FIRST OF ALL, IT’S NOT “SHIPPING.”  I’M NOT “SHIPPING.”  IF YOU’RE ASKING ME FOR MY ANALYSIS OF THE RELATIONSHIPS OF THE CHARACTERS IN THE LORD OF THE RINGS SERIES, THEN FUCKING ASK FOR IT.  SHIPPING IS FOR LOSERS WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN SIT ON THEIR ASS IN FRONT OF THEIR COMPUTER ALL DAY, THEIR HAIR STRINGY WITH GREASE AS THEY PINE CREEPILY OVER THEIR DELUSIONAL VISIONS OF ROMANCE BETWEEN CHARACTERS WHO OFTEN AREN’T EVEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED IN THE SLIGHTEST.

THAT ASIDE.

THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN FRODO AND SAM IS ABSOLUTELY, BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL.  RIGHT OFF THE BAT, SAM IS MORE FLUSHED FOR FRODO THAN I HAVE EVER WITNESSED IN ALL MY YEARS OF FILMWATCHING.  AT FIRST, THESE FEELINGS GO TRAGICALLY UNREQUITED, AND AS FRODO BECOMES ENDANGERED BY THE RING, SAM IS FORCED INTO THE POSITION OF HIS MOIRAIL, DESPITE HOW MUCH HE IS OBVIOUSLY YEARNING TO FILL A MUCH REDDER QUADRANT WITH HIM.  GOLLUM FURTHER ATTEMPTS TO SEPARATE THEM WHEN HE TRIES TO USURP SAM’S POSITION AS FRODO’S MOIRAIL, WALLOWING IN AN ATTEMPT TO INVOKE FRODO’S PALE PITY.  I BELIEVE THE TURNING POINT IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS RIGHT AFTER THEY FINALLY TOSS THE RING INTO MOUNT DOOM.  WITH THE RING GONE, FRODO ISN’T A DANGER ANYMORE, AND THEY HAVE A NICE LITTLE FEELINGS JAM OUT ON THE ROCK WHILE THE LAVA IS RUNNING AROUND THEM AND GOD, SUCH ROMANCE IS ALMOST BEYOND IMAGINATION AND THEN SAM HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT ALL BY BRINGING UP ROSIE FUCKING COTTON.  WHO THE FUCK IS ROSIE FUCKING COTTON??  SAM FINALLY HAD THE CHANCE TO BE WITH FRODO AS HE’D BEEN LONGING TO BE AND HE GOES AND BLOWS IT BY SAYING HE WANTS TO MARRY THE OBJECT OF SOME BULGEHEADED CHILDHOOD CRUSH HE’D HELD HOWEVER MANY SWEEPS AGO.

AT LEAST THE MOVIE PROVIDED US WITH SOME KIND OF COMPENSATION FOR THE ALMOST CRIMINAL BETRAYAL COMMITTED BY SAM.  GIMLI AND LEGOLAS ARE THE PERFECT PICTURE OF A STABLE, HAPPY MATESPRITSHIP.  ORIGINALLY, I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO PURSUE A KISMESIS WITH ONE ANOTHER, CONSIDERING THE NOT-SO-AMIABLE RELATIONS BETWEEN THEIR RACES, BUT THEY WERE ABLE TO TRANSCEND THEIR DIFFERENCES AND ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP OF MUTUAL RESPECT, FLUSHED PITY, AND FRIENDLY COMPETITION.

THEN THERE’S THE MOIRAILLEGIANCE BETWEEN MERRY AND EOWYN.  THEY HAD A GOOD THING GOING.

AND HERE WE COME TO ARAGORN AND EOWYN, WHO BY EVERY RIGHT FUCKING IMAGINABLE SHOULD HAVE ENDED UP IN A FLUSHED RELATIONSHIP.  LIV TYLER ELF SHOULD HAVE HOPPED HER ASS RIGHT ONTO THAT.  WHATEVER IT WAS.  THE BOAT OF ETERNAL LIFE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK WAS GOING ON WITH THOSE SHIPS HER GUARDIAN FIGURE WANTED HER TO GET ON SO BADLY.  EOWYN AND ARAGORN HAD SO MUCH MORE IN COMMON, AND SHE FUCKING FOUGHT FOR HIM.  SHE KILLED A FUCKING NAZGUL, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, HOLY GRUBSLURPING FUCK.

OH YEAH, AND

SARUMAN AND GANDALF REALLY NEEDED SOMEONE TO STEP IN AND AUSPISTICIZE.

this is wonderful but KARKAT ARE YOU COMPLETELY FORGETTING ABOUT HOW AFTER ARAGORN DUMPED EOWYN SHE GOT WITH FARAMIR???????? FARAMIR IS A TOTAL BABE AND SHE DID REALLY WELL, OKAY, AND FARAMIR LIKES TO TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS SO THEY’RE A REALLY GOOD MATCH